tv [untitled] December 12, 2010 2:00am-2:30am PST
buttons. it comforts me to see sad faces. my miserable, lonly lesbian pregnancy. tonight i am going to read, to snip or not to snip. >> conception. i drive to the california cryo bank. there's no waiting room. just a glass window. a woman changes me $350. a vile half the size of my pinkie encased. this way up. i head to the clinic.
i carry the sperm box inside. it's unwieldy. this is my second attempt. so i know the routine. the first time, i brought my friend. even some crouch shots. most people don't get good shots of conception. i feel confident this time, like i'm doing my part in the world. the war in iraq started. may be this kid will be a piece maker, a modern day jesus christ as this jew understands
jesus. i don't know what does. week 21, everyone thinks i'm having a boy. by everyone, i mean the waiter and my grandmother and neighbor across the street. i was getting out of my car and she yelled "your having a boy". week 22, my family is involved in an all out campaign on the names i'm considering. she mocks the mothers calling after their sons, sebastion.
pleasure. may be this was god's way of reducing a man's libido. may be my son is not going to study the torah. we need to identify proudly. but then, am i imposing my will on my child? i can't have a child. week 30, i have an appointment at the hollywood birth center where i will have natural childbirth, which i don't recommend. alex is my primary caretaker today. i read your medical records, do you want to know if it's a boy or girl? yeah, but don't tell me. i ask if she had children.
not yet i said. i said it sucks. then i try to be funny. do you think epidurals have contributed. she opens my chart. is says you're having trouble holding urine. i pee every time i sneeze. may be i should wear depends. are you doing your cagels? let me teach you a way that will be fun. i think she's about to make a joke. as you squeeze, save, i love my
body. four counts hold. notice your vaginal area tightening. i love my body. squeeze a little harder. i love my body. good. that does make it fun, i say. alex presses on my belly and says seven pounds. how am i going to get it out? i am hoping for a super wide vagina. i will have one after the birth. i know this is not sexualy,
marks a jewish boy. i know she's not a lesbian. then you don't understand. week 31, i'm not going to sircumicize. i heard on the radio that thomas jefferson owned slaves. he bowed to cultural pressure. some things are just wrong. week 32, i make the mistake of telling my mom i'm struggling with circumcision. i don't think so. i think of the stuff that can get caught in the vagina. that's not nice.
andrea. if this child is jewish. he needs to be sircumicized. you don't want your boy to feel strange. that's true. i think my anxiety is fear of having a boy. i am terrified of boys. they are wild and smelly. i said, there is no way to know that. well i know for a fact you don't need it. like i wanted to talk to my dad
it's best done with a partner. instead, i take a back door approach and use my finger. i have a lot of stretching to do. week 41, 3:45 p.m. it feels like i have to pee and poo. she says long contractions indicate early labor. she says call in a few hours. >> dana comes over. she feeds her tea while i'm
it's the mucous plug. i am in awe of dana. 1:30 a.m. i am naked. i modified downward dog. i think of the view everyone is getting. no one cares. 4:00 a.m., i am nine centimeters. i am pruned and exhausted. you are doing great dana says, i am not interested in being great. it's still nine centimeters. it's not time yet. she says me to blow out with my mouth. i say i might barf.
5:45 a.m. still nine, i hate dana. dana breaks my water. after 15 hours it's time to push. when you are this desperate, it's almost over. push, your pushes are excellent. 7:17. i can feel the baby's hair. you see your baby's head. 7:40. i do what she says. we rehearse. dana is guiding my baby's head. this is called ring of fire. okay.
push hard. i moan like a walrus. my vagina tears to my ass. but i don't care. dana puts the baby on my chest. the cord is still attached. i am still shaking. the baby's eyes are wide open. i cry, the baby cries. i have a baby. it's a girl. [applause] that was wonderful. that was really great. don't you all want to be her best friend name. emanuel, queer spoken word
poetry. pbs's in the life. an online journal. he's the author of the year poetry. as well as his first spoken word. it's a recipient of the masha a gomez award. please welcome manual xavier. >> hello. okay. there we go. how are you doing? first of all, thank you so much. it's such a great pleasure to be back in san francisco. i love this city and it's
always a pleasure to be here. i want to thank mishell t. one is new. it will give you a back story. a few years ago, i had been attacked on the streets of brooklyn. i am deaf in my left ear. >> sitting on the l, i was made a wear, my voice of louder. he didn't know about the hearing loss in one here. i remained silent. i didn't turn around to expose the scar on the back of my head. so that i wouldn't have to
explain the origination. instead of business cards, i should explain, it would read as follows. my name is emaniel. i became a prostitute. i found my salvation? writing. i pushlished a book. i was recently attacked on the streets where i lived. >> the surgery left me deaf. i do not have aids. men are not allowed to be a soldier. i am not asking for your money. please get home safe and keep this pen to share your story too. may be some day, i will get to
family, because they love and accept my and don't consider me, foreign language. they do not speak the language. everyone has green contacts. adopting supremist beliefs. when was the last time you saw them playing the maid? i want to break tradition. smashing it against the ground. where our spanish eyes are not blinded. we do not understand hate.
others to name. they beat to the drum beats of liberty. the difference between us and the shadows of fear is we have a lot more space to breathe. yet the smell of equality is found outside and sexuality is the right to physical expression between consenting adults. we can live outside of the closets but not out of the house. they are not welcome in the open fields of america. where others dream of marriage or defend our country. because not all of god's children were worthy to see the light beyond these cold, white
walls. as long as we remain indoors. sometimes visit our souls. taking the time to join us, unable to come out and play. in only we could run and discover land starving for diversity. the emptiness and our perversions and sins as preached from religion pens, it touch the openings of children child faint sounds emerge from under closet doors. there are too many of us in this house located on a land far a war from normal chanting.
we only want to be outside. we only want to be outside. the lord is outside. it's not wonder some would rather die moths in the closet while others are not free. and this is a new poem that i wrote for a close friend of mine who was fighting aids. >> aids knows the lovers a tear a way from risk. replacing cocktails or jag ed little pills how to keep
pharmaceutical pills. knows the fearless meaning of a friend's kisser hug. and converts to spirituality. knows the dim to light to allude detection to be grateful for the gift the clothing and shelter. to remain silent. aids knows to time on earth. but no matter how much you drink, you are all dehydrated. i choice of taking pleasure in what is left in life. the thoughts of suicide in the back of your head.
that everyone still thinks it's a deserving fate for gays and prostitutes and the children born of designer jewelry. knows how to be used to profit politicians. providing flatter for art and something to be left behind. he has left his angels behind. none of us knowing where exactly we are headed. and this is also a new poem. it's potentially the title of my next poetry collection. i read a lot about religion